Dear Santa:
On behalf of all us Whos down here in Whoville, let the Progress suggest a few Christmas gifts we wouldn’t mind you sending our way. Pickens County isn’t beyond the want of a miracle or two.
• A way to prevent H1N1 flu that involves eating pork rinds. It used to be called swine flu, and what better way to build immunity than with fried swine snacks.
• I don’t know that we need a new gym for Pickens County, but if you could deliver a load of improvements across all county parks here, more of everything – playgrounds, lighting, fields and parking - it would all be put to good use.
• Some sunny weather. Santa, we know you prefer snow and lots of it, but with 2009 being the wettest year in a long time, we need some sun. In case you haven’t noticed, North Georgians prefer to wear shorts on Christmas Day.
• Seeing as your industrious little elves have avoided paying their fair share of sales tax since the start-up of that un-permitted workshop, how about making up for it with some good tidings for local businesses. We’re not asking for a Miracle on Industrial Boulevard exactly, but just a few business expansions bringing new jobs would make our Christmas considerably brighter.
• Bring home the 70,000 (and increasing) U.S. troops in Afghanistan in a manner considered the best outcome possible.
• This may sound like we’ve busted our egg-noggins, but we’d really like a glow-in-the dark dog. A New York Times article reports scientists have taken cells from a glowing sea anemone, added some Frankenstein stuff, mixed the mash with some beagle cells and, SHAZAAM, a dog that doubles as a flashlight. And people say there’s nothing new for under the tree.
• How about some bacon-scented candles? (Redneck romance deluxe.) Just another of those great things no one even knew existed until the internet enlightened us to what we were missing.
• And could you stuff some creative thinking, leadership and money, too, into Jasper’s sock for downtown development issues. First, we’ve got several groups positively drooling to acquire the old NAPA building on the corner. You know the one, Santa: “Big Blue.” Sure would make a great community theatre, art center or civic building. Could you sprinkle some of your magic on that? Second, we don’t seem to be making any progress on our new courthouse project. How about just bringing us a finished one and plopping it wherever your North Pole consultants think best.
• A safe and crime free holiday. We know Christmas has everyone stressed out, pinching pennies, and that’s OK, we guess, so long as you’re pinching your own and not somebody else’s.
• Convince everyone to pull up the youtube video of Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing “Little Drummer Boy.” Watching a tamed-down glam rocker and a musical traditionalist croon this one has us believing any odd-ball combination might work.
• Zhu Zhu Pet Hampster – We’ve never actually laid eyes on this toy, considered the most popular gift for 2009, described as “the height of robotic animal evolution.” If this is truly the apex, we’d hate to see the low end, but bring us one anyway. We don’t want to be left out. |
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